uuhhh

In the past week I've had a realization, the same realization I have every break, I need a schedule. Giving me even one day with nothing to accomplish tends to result in a wasted day. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind a wasted day every once in a while, I do deserve the occasional break to relax and turn off my brain. A week and a half later though, and I'm going stir crazy. My friend finally got me out of the house today, I hadn't been out at all in 3 days, not even to the mail box. I just don't function well without a to-do list. Maybe I should start keeping a day off to-do list of fun things that I don't normally have time for.

Normally I'd continue to write about the funny, interesting, thought provoking anecdote of the day(s) past. The best I've got is my brother can beat me at poker and bridge is confusing. Tomorrow I vow to do something interesting. I hope I can come up with something!

secrets

Merry Christmas!

Today was a wonderful day in its simplicity, I never even left the house. I got lots of nice gifts, and my family spent the most time admiring the gifts that I gave. Being appreciated was way better than getting stuff, but I got some pretty cool stuff!

I just read over 600 secrets (postsecret.com and the corresponding facebook group). My first impulse was that I don't have any secrets. I realize that's not true, I just don't want to admit any of them, even to myself.

confession

I think I have a problem. I am no longer able to sit down at my computer without opening a game of spider solitaire; I can't get up until I see the fireworks and multicolored congratulations. I asked myself this morning, what harm is this really doing? Somehow, I don't think that's the right question.

analysis

Studying psychoses is dangerous due to the tendency to psychoanalyze. I just read a few chapters about austics and am feeling especially anti-social. Maybe I really don't get other people. Or maybe I really need to get out of the house.

I baked cookies yesterday and wrapped all my christmas presents today but I don't feel remotely ready for holidays. It rained today, winter has officially started according to the solstice, but I have yet to see any sign of it in the weather. It seems as if time should be able to pass and I should be ready for things regardless of weather, but apparently snow or at least frost is a requirement for my mood shift.

I also need my brain to go into a lower gear. Having a handful of chocolate or cookies every time I pass the counter may have something to do with this.

burning

My house is full of smoke, my eyes burn. Dinner was a bit of a disaster this evening. I looked into the kitchen and smoke was pouring out of the oven. It was actually just the fish 'cooking' but it has infiltrated the entire house and my eyes still burn, in my room, upstairs, which had the door closed. Fire seems to be a recent theme in my life. I had to watch a fire safety video at school because I have an illegal sun lamp in my room (the sacrifices I make for my plants... haha) and ever since then I've been noticing lots of fire safety issues. This morning I got mad at a comic in the newspaper because the mother took the time to put shoes on her daughters before getting them out of the house when the alarm went off. Right now in my house all the batteries are out of the smoke detectors because we're in the midst of changing over. Granted I appreciated that this evening, fanning the smoke away from the detector when we burn dinner isn't exactly my favorite job.

I'm reading a really interesting book called Anthropologist on Mars. It had me worried I'd lost my sanity for a brief period of time, I noticed it glows in the dark the other night, but then the next day I couldn't convince anyone that it actually does. Turns out it just glows rather faintly so its nearly impossible to see during daylight, but I swear, it really does glow! There are other interesting aspects of this book aside from its cover as well. It is written by a neurologist and describes seven cases he has studied. The descriptions are the perfect balance of academic and narrative- keeps my brain working but not too hard. He studied an artist who lost all sense of color and a surgeon who has tourettes, but never exhibits tics while operating. Makes you reconsider how you view the world.

An interesting question: if you had to lose one of your five senses which would you lose first? second? ... fifth? I've gotten some really surprising answers giving great insight into people's priorities.

insanity

[one moment of addressing reality: I have completed my undergraduate academic studies in their entirety. whoa.]

So, coming home is weird enough in itself. Going back to my room, falling back into patterns and adjusting to everything that has changed in my absence. This time in particular though, people are coming out of the woodwork. People I haven't talked to in years want to know what I'm up to and feel the need to become friends again. These are people that stopped talking to me, not the other way around, and I don't know if they realize it, but I'm headed out into the world. Of course it is interesting to hear what people have been up to, watch how they've changed and try to understand why they are who they have become. Honestly, though, I'm not looking to recreate bonds that are just going to get broken all over again. Friendship is really important to me, so I hate losing friends. I now know how not to set myself up for that.

Today I drove home in a greenhouse, otherwise known as my car. I filled all four seats with potted plants and made sure all of the kids were buckled in (yes I am serious) before we went anywhere. I'm babysitting for the break so I've got tons of little ones with me. A few were old enough to be left on their own for two weeks. I gave them a list of rules and plenty of supplies, hopefully they won't trash the place ;)

timing

This afternoon I spent 45 minutes swimming laps and discovered I love it. Of course, today was the last day the pool is open until mid-January. Someone remind me that I wanted to keep doing this after Jan 15?

I went with my friend today to get her hair cut. She cut off 11 inches to donate. Its been ages (read: 6 years) since my hair hit my shoulders. Looking back at pictures I wonder why I ever thought I looked good with my hair all pulled back and tucked into a bun. I thought it made me look sophisticated, but to be quite honest nothing is going to make me look old, or even look my age. My education professor told us that in past years girls traded brooches and other such old lady accessories to wear for student teaching to establish 'appropriate distance' from the students. Maybe I finally will find a use for those earrings my dad bought me.

pop!

My bubble burst this afternoon, reality came rushing at me in a surprisingly forceful manner and it took a lot of effort to rebuild the walls I have so proudly built up to protect myself. I took an extended walk around the lake and was confronted with a lot of memories from that location. Actually, the only people who I know read this have done that walk with me. After 40 minutes of walking and a couple hours of reading (Why do men have nipples?- good read about silly science facts) I regained my equilibrium. From now on I need a longer to do list so I don't have time to stop and think about life. That's not supposed to happen until January and then only in a very controlled way. I like control.

In other news, the woman whose print I bought at the art auction gave me another copy of it. That was very nice of her, but I'm not sure what to do with it. If only I had left my Christmas shopping until the last minute! I guess I just have a really early start on next year?

watch out

I don't know what was scarier this evening- my outfit or my dodgeball skills. My team spirit certainly was not lacking. 80's dodgeball was a big hit, having the dean on our team was a blast and I'm quite proud of our overall performance (even if my abilities had nothing to do with our success). There are photos that I'm not willing to put here (they're on facebook) but I can tell you that they are bright! I will show you a photo of our mascot- (our team name was the sharks)





This has to be the hippest shark ever. We were quite a hip team!



In other news, its mid-December and it rained today. I was disappointed in the lack of white fluffiness. Finals is supposed to be about snow fights, sledding and home made italian ice, not being spooked by people who appear magically out of the fog. Maybe we'll have snow by christmas? If I leave all my skis and sleds at school we're sure to have a ton of snow while I'm home.

one last, nevermind

This week could be the week of 'my last ___' but I don't want to think about the fact that I'm done with work, class, projects etc. I like my denial bubble. So everything that happens will just be another ___.

This evening I went to another party for work. They gave me a present- a very nice picture frame, which looks expensive, but the far better part was a simple piece of paper. On that paper they collaged quotes from various students' evaluations of my work as a mentor the past 5 semesters. All my students said such nice things! I'm seriously thinking about framing it.

My stomach feels kinda funny, that might have something to do with the fact that my dinner consisted of crackers, chips and dip in class and a cookie at the party. I'm trying to round it out with an odwalla, but it may be too late to feel remotely healthy this evening.

This week there's a dodgeball tournament and the dean is playing on my team! We're all supposed to dress up in 80's costumes, I'm being sent on a mission to buy brightly colored spandex tomorrow. It should be interesting.

a game: www.lost.eu/f67a

you know you've been busy when...

Its quite apparent that I haven't done anything other than sleep in my room for several days. I can't see the floor, and that *never* happens. The things its covered with are very exciting though. Someone downstairs cleaned out her room, I got two books and a nice shelf that I'm going to use for my plants (I'll be able to reclaim my bed side table!). I got all of my familie's christmas presents in the mail, and they came out well, I'm excited to wrap them up. Plus, last night we went to a charity art auction, I got a beautiful wood block print and another nice ink peice. It may be a mess in here, but its a happy mess.

...
..
.

Last night I did a suprisingly difficult thing. I listened for 3 hours, silently. Normally I would consider myself a very good listener, and a moderately quiet individual. When I agreed to attend my friend's art critique I was fully aware that it would be inappropriate to participate (I actually wasn't even supposed to be there, it was just for the class to have several faculty member's feedback). I had no idea how hard that would be. In most any situation when I have an opinion I'm encouraged to voice it. It makes me appreciate the fact that I never have to be quiet, but also makes me wonder what was happened if I just listened.

=-o (wide-eyed and awestruck)

Tonight as part of the 16 day campaign to end violence against women -not women against violence as I keep mistakenly saying- I watched 'Boys Don't Cry.' It ended 2 hours ago and I'm still in recovery. It is a must see, but not in the immediately kind of way. Its a must see when you have time to sit, concentrate and reflect.

I lost my hat this afternoon which made me realize a few things. One: cold air on uncovered ears hurts! Two: I didn't do much today, it only took 3 stops to retrace my steps.

oops

I knew there was a reason I never do work in my room. I just wasted 2.5 hours on email and internet surfing. From now on, no matter how heavy the text books are, I do work somewhere less distracting.

Today it snowed! Real snow, enough to stick on the ground and everything. Not quite enough to sled on, but it has restored my hope for the state of the climate.

My plants smell good.

weekend

Time has this fabulous way of flying by when you're busy. This weekend I put up 5 sections of the second floor walls on a house (habitat), regained sensation in the majority of my body parts (wind is cold!), saw a dance performance, went to a bar, went to a concert, had dinner with my parents and got paid to sit at work and do nothing for two hours. I did no homework between sometime early friday and 7:00 this evening, when I did a tiny bit of studying for an exam tomorrow, but its fine with me that I'll feel the repurcussions of that later.

Tomorrow its supposed to snow! Or slush, or rain. But it might snow!

Happy World AIDS Day?

In the past week the campus has become covered with chalk, flyers, ribbons and rallys announcing a multitude of depressing statistics related to AIDS, violence against women and genocide. As I was walking down one of the campus paths I passed two girls discussing the information surrounding them. One of them asked 'why do we have to hear about all this awful stuff?' I mentally responded in several ways, and I can't figure out which one I really would say out loud. 'because the world is awful.' 'because knowledge is power.' 'because it shows us that people on campus care and are doing something.' My final thought though? We should just name a world happiness day, and no one is allowed to ruin it with reminders of all the people who aren't happy. Sometimes we need to step back and regain some perspective- right now we're okay. There's a lot wrong with the world but we can't fix it all by being angry and depressed. I will now retreat into my warm and fuzzy bubble...

again?

I spent too many hours this afternoon in the math department finishing my rewrite and being nice to my math prof. I feel better about that class and I think he realizes now that I do care about the class, but maybe I needed that extra push.

After that was done, I lost all motivation, again. Its just too scary to start final projects because that requires acknowledging that this semester really is over. Instead I cleaned, caught up on all the little things and have been doing fun stuff! Juggling, needlepoint and reading about swimming are just as important as papers and lesson plans, at least for tonight.

play time!

I appreciate the diversity of my college campus, but one thing inherently lacking at any college is age diversity. As someone who is 5 at heart, I miss small children. So of course, when one of the students in the class I TA brought her nine-year-old daughter to the homework session tonight, I was thrilled! Earlier this year I played on a water slide with this adorable child. Tonight I taught her to play dots and she helped everyone destress by doing stretches. Her abounding energy and eager attitude were completely refreshing. How does one go about finding children to play with? Somehow I don't think Babies 'R' Us has them to rent...

guilty

My math professor made me feel awful today. It would be bad enough to just be told that I'm not living up to my potential. But since I've been reading all about classroom management I'm analyzing my study habits. Add to that the constant discussion of how we should learn concepts and not follow formulae blindly and I feel especially bad about the way I have been treating this class recently. Of course, 14 hours a week is totally unreasonable for one class, but I could have gone to talk to the prof when I was confused rather than staring at the problems and packets blindly. It would be easier not to care if he wasn't such a nice guy and I didn't see his point so well. Being a teacher isn't gonna be easy, I don't want to be disappointed in my students, or for them to be disappointed in me!

In other news, TA-ing tonight was a huge self-esteem boost. This group of students makes a particular effort to come to my hours (there are 3 TAs for this class). I'm doing something right!

who really lives here?

When gardening this weekend my mother decided that the annual plants were done for the year, and pulled them up. I took pity on a healthy one and potted it. That, plus on the way back I bought two ...one amaryllus plus one amaryllus equals two amarylli? Anyway, one orphan plant plus two bulbs places my pot count at sixteen. Only six species, but they are really starting to multiply and take over the room. I've been asked whether I'll be looking for an appartment or a greenhouse next year. It would be funnier if I hadn't chosen this room only because the east facing window provides healthy sunlight for the children. I need a name for the newest addition if its going to stay around a while, what is mathy and describes a feathery green and white plant?

flashback

My 8th grade graduation dress still looks good on me. I may just decide to wear a dress to graduation, for the irony.

Is that really all there is?

Tonight my parents and I thought we were attending a comedic play about high school reunions. We arrived at the playhouse to discover that the reunion play had ended and they were now showing "Is that all there is?" It turned out to be an uneventful and depressing show- mother dies at a restaurant, family sits shiva, the mother appears again (except she's dead- minor detail), then they tell her to leave and let them mourn. I don't know what the point was, other than accentuating jewish stereotypes, but it was a disappointing introduction to a new playhouse.

A recently divorced friend of the family came over for dinner tonight. He told us the last time he was dating it was the disco era. I find it incredibly amusing to imagine him at a disco. Its not quite as amusing as imagining my father with long hair pleading with his mother to let him attend Woodstock though. I wonder what the next generation will find funny about us? The bright colors, big hair and bouncy music of the 80's/90's for sure!

new things

I'm not sure what prompted me to start this blog: inspiration or the fact that everyone went to bed and I was left alone with my computer. I've been thinking of doing this for a while, too many random people watching my live journal. Yes, I am aware that this is even more public, but random people I will never meet is much more acceptable than random people I run into on occasion, who know things about my life they really shouldn't.

Thanksgiving makes me think about:
3 weeks left of my last semester of classes
I don't know how I'll spend next Thanksgiving- do adults have their own celebration?
every family has someone who gets on the rest of the family's nerves

I've also decided that every family has a history of alcoholism. The doctor asked me this morning if my family did, I laughed and asked what family didn't. She still told me to be careful- I promised to try not to head down the slippery slope. I do hope to sled down some slippery slopes this year. As refreshing as it is to do yardwork in late November without a coat, its just not normal in MA. Some have predicted a non-existant winter, while others forecast a severe one, I'd be happy with enough snow to ski and sled throughout January. If there isn't snow then I'm going to have no idea what to do with myself (I'm only teaching 2 hours a day and job hunting can't take up that much time). I better go look at the course listings again and find something non-snow-dependent to occupy myself with!